It's been sooooo long since I've made a #transparencytuesday post. Here goes!
Often times, I'm given advice about selecting someone to date with analogies like car shopping, grocery shopping...in fact most of them deal with shopping. The main idea of all these comparisons are to know what you want and to go in and get exactly that, of course providing you have what it takes to walk in and demand a Ferrari or Phantom. There's one problem...people aren't cars. They're not objects meant for your consumption. They're complex beings with positives and negatives. And so are you. Even though I am single right now, I've dated before. I've spent my whole life getting to know people. And trust me, I've seen that going in with your list of things that make up the perfect man is probably the worst thing you can do. It's self sabotage. Sure, have deal breakers. Not dumb ones, like that you both have to like all the same music or that he has to have a certain eye color. But, really, really crucial ones. You should approach the dating scene with a general idea of what you want and sometimes you get exactly that, down to the model, color, leather seating and everything. But I can't tell you how many times I've gone after the guy who appealed to me cause he was everything I wanted on paper...and he turned out to be the least suited to who I was. And I can't tell you how many times I've actually invested in getting to know people without the agenda of romance (because I simply wasn't attracted to them) and I found myself admiring their character and eventually saying....I like this guy. I even think he's really cute.
We live in a self centered society. Everyone looks out for themselves and their own interests. Relationships are no longer the source to give, but instead used to only receive love, affection, sex, and sometimes just for money and fame. Online dating (I have nothing against it, if you use it properly) can also feed into this. It allows you to just only see the character traits you want, without the real human experience of getting to know people. It's quick, it's easy. But should everything we do be fast? I'm apart of the microwave generation and even I can see its demerits. With online dating, I often feel like I'm on a clothing website, continuing to narrow the selection until I find the perfect, long, formal, red dress. But sometimes I receive it in the mail and realize the fabric doesn't look nice in person or it doesn't look the way it did on the model. I grumble and say I should've just gone to the store. I end up having to return or exchange.
That's why we compare dating to shopping for a car. Cause that's what we've practiced. We drive it for a few years and them trade it in once we're tired of it. Why don't we actually treat people like well....people and not objects? We often see that maybe what we thought we wanted in a significant other, may not be what we actually need.
I'm so grateful to have a group of friends, that while we have so many similarities, we are soooo different. Sometimes I have the time of my life with them and sometimes I just want to roll my eyes when I perceive them to be too sensitive, too loud, too impulsive, unreliable or unrealistic. But they're totally what I need in my life!!! They've taught me how to be a better communicator, how to be mindful of how I say things, how to take risks, not be afraid to fail, get over social anxiety, how to laugh really loud in public or listen to music loud in my car and not care if someone thinks I'm being an obnoxious black girl. I deserve a good laugh and blasting my speakers every now and then.
If I looked for a guy to date or to marry, I'd most likely pick the guy to comfort me. Not to challenge me to give and to grow. I need that, even though most times I say that without reflecting that. It's so easy to be swayed by what our eyes perceive as "perfect".
Are we all just looking for someone to be our perfect version of whatever picture we have in our head? Or are we looking for iron to sharpen iron? To give and to grow?